The Academy Award goes to…

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The Oscars are a night of Hollywood glitz and glamour, and although they are notoriously stuffy and long-winded, this year’s Academy Awards had some standout moments – despite a lack of standout movies. Who won this year’s best Oscar moments? The nominees are…

Best Jokes
The Academy Award goes to: Chris Rock

Billy Crystal overall did a pretty good job hosting, but that shouldn’t surprise anyone, since he has had eight years of practice. We know what to expect with Billy after all this time; mainly a light-hearted, self-deprecating affair of soft and slightly outdated humour. Some were offended by his blackface appearance as Sammy Davis Jr. in the opening sequence, but sharing an Oscar screen with Justin Bieber was a greater insult to good taste. What has Billy Crystal even done recently other than host awards shows? I sense hosting is his sole source of regular income since Harry Met Sally.

Chris Rock really should have been the one hosting the show. He was one of the few presenters who had clearly written his own joke, shamelessly taking Hollywood’s sense of grandeur down a notch by confirming what we have suspected all along – voice-overs really aren’t that hard. His joke about Hollywood’s racism in animation received the most laughs of the night.

“I love animation because in the world of animation, you can be anything you want to be,” Rock said. “If you’re a fat woman you can play a skinny princess. If you’re a short wimpy guy, you can play a tall gladiator. If you’re a white man you can play an Arabian prince.”

“And if you’re a black man, you can play a donkey, or a zebra. You can’t play white, my God!”

The joke understandably went over better than Crystal’s one-liner about loving “The Help” so much he came out of the theatre wanting to hug the first black woman he saw. “Which, from Beverly Hills,” he quipped, “is about a 45-minute drive.” The room collectively gulped and clapped nervously at Crystal’s awkward attempt at a controversial joke. Stick to what you know, Billy.

Most Awesome Win
The Academy Award goes to: “Man or Muppet”, by that guy from New Zealand

The most awesome win of the night was Flight of the Conchords’ Bret McKenzie winning the Oscar for best original song with “Man or Muppet”. Finally, some credit where it’s due! The camera’s pan of Jason Segal’s face of joy was priceless.

Sadly, there were no other nominees for Most Awesome Win this year, as anything Muppet-related automatically wins the Most Awesome category outright. Hey, I don’t make the rules.

Still, I would have liked to see the Muppets perform the song, but instead we got a tired montage of stars describing why they love the movies. Ever wondered what inspires Adam Sandler to do what he does? Yeah, me neither.

Best exposed body part
The Academy Award goes to: Angelina Jolie

Twitter made the Oscars especially fun to watch to watch this year. The Twittersphere blew up with over 2 million Oscar-related tweets during the three-hour show, turning the awards ceremony into a hilarious, interactive spectacle. Jennifer Lopez had a bit of a wardrobe malfunction with her very tight, very cleavagey dress showing some nipple. The nipple had its own Twitter account just moments later, with jlosnipple tweeting, “DID YOU SEE ME?” Frankly, I’m surprised a nip-slip hasn’t occurred to Lopez before, given her history of dangerously low-cut outfits.

But the body part that stole the show was Angelina Jolie’s right leg. She wore a long black dress with a slit up the leg, and presented the award for Best Adapted Screenplay with her leg jutting out and her emaciated left arm on her waist, in a rockstar pose that said, “I’m Angelina Jolie, bitches.” Descendants co-screenwriter Jim Rash, in a stroke of ingenious improvisational comedy, mocked her stance as he accepted his award, thrusting his hip and sticking his arm out just so as Alexander Payne gave his acceptance speech.

Naturally, a Twitter account was set up after the leg made its appearance – @AngiesRightLeg tweeted, “Look at me!” The leg now has over 23,800 followers. J. Lo’s nipple only has about 3,700 followers, by comparison. It’s official: Angelina Jolie’s Leg beats Jennifer Lopez’s nipple. Who knew?

Best Acceptance Speech
The Academy Award goes to: Meryl Streep

The acceptance speeches were the usual fare of feigned surprise and misty-eyed “thank yous”. Octavia Davis’s award for Best Supporting Actress earned her a standing ovation and her heartfelt speech was a tearjerker. She was somehow endearing even as she hyperventilated and ended her speech with a “Thank you, world!” (the whole world, Davis? Really?)

But Meryl Streep takes the cake with best Oscar speech this year, because she is the only woman on earth who could make a smug, tongue-in-cheek acceptance speech so charming. “When they called my name,” she chuckled, “I had this feeling I could hear half of America going, ‘Oh no! Oh come on, why her? Again?! But…whatever,” she said, with a wave of her hand. What a lady.

Best Awards Show of 2012
The Academy Award goes to: The Grammys

Though this year’s Oscars had some good speeches and funny moments, the award for Best Awards Show this year has to go to the Grammys strictly based on entertainment value. Cruel, cruel irony! A three-hour concert that features Rihanna’s booty, Adele’s musical comeback and Sir Paul McCartney (just because) is an automatic win against three hours of Billy Crystal and even Angelina Jolie’s bare leg.

Maybe if the Muppets had performed, the Oscars would have stood a chance.

In case you were curious, here’s a full list of this year’s Oscar nominees and winners for the real awards. (not the invented ones).

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