5 Essential USB Powered Devices To Help Enable Your Internet Addiction.

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I’m addicted to the internet and if you’re reading this, chances are you are too! In fact, according to Business News Daily, “Internet addiction has actually been recognized as a “clinical disorder” since 1996”. http://www.businessnewsdaily.com/2071-internet-addiction-public-opinion-poll.html Instead of trotting off to Internet rehab, I’ve done some not-so-serious googling and have found 5 USB powered devices that are gonna maximize our time with the Internet while keeping us functioning IRL.

USB SHAVER

You’ve lost track of time at work, talking on G chat, and then uh-oh– PROBLEM– you just remembered, in 30 minutes, you’ve got an OkCupid date. You’ve been sweating in your suit all day and you’ve got a greasy 7 o’clock shadow. A quick trip to the washroom will cleanse your pits of unwanted aromas, but there’s nothing you can do about the stubble– stubble that’s got you looking like a serious contender for hobo of the year. BAM! The USB Shaver is here to save the day. PROBLEM SOLVED.

Keeping this handy-dandy shaver charged in your desk drawer allows for a quick buzz that gets you looking crisp, clean and ready to date your face off. It’s not something you’re going to use everyday, but it’s definitely something every clean shaven bro should consider purchasing.

USB AROMATHERAPY OIL BURNER

Powerful odours is something that has always been associated with excessive Internetting. This USB Aromatherapy Oil Burner is a product that I think is a legit great idea. “The USB Aromatherapy Oil Burner just needs to get warm. And then the lavendery smells spread around your office.” FANTASTIC. I would much rather have my Internet personal space smelling of a spring breeze than the current combination of a half-eaten frittata and stale shame.

It’s a simple but slightly brilliant invention. I don’t know about you, but I’d be down for a nose-full of sandalwood right about now.

USB ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH

How many of you have thought to yourself “man, my mouth tastes like hot pumpkin guts. I should really brush my teeth, but my electric toothbrush is back home and I want to spend at least 6 more hours at this Starbucks looking at Tumblr, pretending to write a screenplay?” THE WORST, amirite?

Well, suffer no longer with this USB powered tooth-brush. Plug this bad-boy into your Mac book Pro’s USB slot and keep your teeth healthy and your mouth smelling great between Pumpkin Spice Lattes. Yes, a normal toothbrush would have a similar effect—IF YOU’RE A CAVEMAN.

USB KEYBOARD VACUUM

I’m not sure exactly how powerful/useful this vacuum is, but there is a lot of cat hair & crubs in my keyboard and it probably couldn’t make things worse. A more sanitary keyboard is certainly something we could all do with. If nothing else, it is a cute miniature vacuum that will make you feel like a giant which is always nice.

BEANZAWAVE

ERMAHGERD BEANZAWAVE exists and it is ridiculous and I love it. The Beanzawave can be used to heat things other than beans such as “a pie, a burger, a cup of soup or tea in quick time” because, let’s be honest, a USB powered microwave for the sole purpose of cooking baked beans is silly (sorry, Heinz). Think of all the precious seconds you will save not having to walk to the kitchen to heat your “food”. But before you throw fat wads of cash at your monitor, I should mention the bad news– the Beanzawave is only a prototype. Sorry for getting your hopes up. One day.

These 5 USB devices obviously vary in their usefulness/ridiculousness. I think the point of this article is that as long as we’re still all going for brunch, there’s no reason we can’t spend 18 hours a day on Twitter and/or streaming pornography. Let’s play it cool and collectively try to keep our real life shit together for as long as possible. Deal? RT if it’s a deal!

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