How To Get Fat In Time For Your New Year’s Weight Loss Resolution

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If you’re like me, you’re in fabulous, rock-hard shape. You’ve been crushing muscle beach all summer long, eating like a well-fed racing stallion, and knocking back kale & beet smoothies by the bushelful. You look great and feel great except there’s just one problem–come January 1stwhat’s your New Year’s resolution going to be?

You’re not going to be able to make your resolution “to get in shape” or “to start eating healthy” like everyone else. You‘ve already mastered these, and your friends don’t want to die on the stair-master next to your smug & glistening Herculean bod. Uh-oh! You’re going to have to come up with an original New Year’s resolution– spend more time with Nana? Ludicrous! All the while, your chubby co-workers are going to join gyms, start running-clubs, hold weight-loss contests, and become super friends. You are now the weird loner of the office. An outcast!

NOT FAIR. If everyone else gets to make a resolution to perform the basic necessary body maintenance required to be healthy, you should too! The solution to this squirrelly problem is luckily the best: GET FAT.

Get as fat and unhealthy as possible, so when January 1st rolls around you, your bloated juju belly will be ready to shimmy your treadmill up next to your best bud’s elliptical and start sweating gravy.

Feel hesitant? Consider getting fat an early Xmas present to yourself. You’ll probably feel guilty at first, but just remember how awesome pie is. Convinced? Yes you are. Pie is delicious. You’ve worked hard all summer and you deserve pie. Odds are in your favour that you’ll be rocking a couple epic holiday feasts. It goes without saying that you’re going to tear apart a turkey or two. We’re going to focus on the little things that will help tilt the scale.

First up, drop the dumbbells. In fact, drop the squats, the rowing-machine, and go ahead and cancel that costly gym membership altogether. Then take that fat cash you’ll be saving and invest it directly into hams. Any time you feel like working out or moving too much, cram a fistful of ham in your mouth. Ham cramming is essential in turning your temple of a body into a sloppy pig-pen of shame.

Without the burden of working out, you’ll also be able to sleep-in and/or go to bed early. Who doesn’t fantasize about sleep’s juicy embrace in the dead of winter? I’ve had 16 hours of sleep and 1/3 of a honey ham today and I feel fantastic. We’re off to a great start, fellas.

If you read this in time, you should be able to snatch up some discount Halloween snacks. Come November 1st it’s your duty to stock up on as many chocolate, candy, and fun-sized bags of Doritos as you can. These are great to keep you going ‘til it becomes seasonably acceptable to keep boxes of chocolate at your desk.

Your new mantra: if it’s got pumpkin in it, devour it. The frivolous consumption of pumpkin-infused food/beverage is the key to optimizing your high calorie diet of deliciousness. Naming just a few, these are essential pumpkin noms that need to be inside you: Pumpkin spice lattes, pumpkin beer, pumpkin pie, pumpkin pie flavoured ice cream, pumpkin Pop Tarts, pumpkin Pringles, the always refreshing pumpkin pie soda, and the rest. If it’s got pumpkin, get it in you!

The same rule can be applied to food emblazoned with a festive stamp of approval. Anything with a snowman, snowflake, polar bear, gingerbread man, or any member of the Santa family is a sure sign it needs to be in your belly.

This is your chance to start misbehavin and cut back your seasonal stress by chilling on the diet & exercise, and stop worrying about your waistband. It’s extremely easy to add these extra pounds during the holiday season, so I say, let it happen. I’m not saying you should be gasping for air at the sight of stairs & celery alike, but an extra 10 or 20 pounds gives you a totally legit New Year’s resolution.

Get fat, have fun, and come the New Year get fit all over again. You’ll be sickened by your gluttony, and re-motivated to get shredded to the max. BOOM. Great idea.

 

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