The Best Stories of The 2013 Offseason (So Far)

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It’s the offseason, which means in between filtering out silly trade rumours, basketball fans have little to do but press the refresh button on Grantland, think about next year’s fantasy teams, and go outside and work on their jumpers. We here at BALLnROLL though haven’t stopped looking at the league, and have put together a few of our favourite stories to have happened so far in this offseason.

 
 

Nerlens Noel Is Sad
There’s perhaps nothing sweeter than watching someone suffer ignominy in a very public, very obvious way. Though Nerlens Noel conducted himself with incredible grace, patience, and good humour as he fell from a projected first overall to sixth, the cameraman working the draft floor did good as he kept himself fixed on Noel’s tense, disappointed face. That was seriously one hell of a draft.

Golden State is Very, Very Good
Trades and free agency pickups have made a few teams presences to be reckoned this offseason, but perhaps nobody’s benefitted more than Golden State. Already one of the most exciting teams in the West, the Warriors picked up Andre Iguodala, Toney Douglas, and Jermaine O’Neal. Despite losing Sixth Man nominee Jarrett Jack, Golden State should have enough to make themselves into real threats in the West.

 

Dwight Howard Is The Incredible Hulk (Lou Ferrigno version)
A massive beast of a man, blessed with impossible strength, toughness, and ability. No matter what happens, he is unable to form lasting friendships, and inevitably must take his gifts to the open road. He wanders to the next town, hoping to make things better, but inevitably knowing that he is going to wear out his welcome again, eventually. Dwight Howard may be optimistic in Houston, but seriously, this guy could potentially be on track to ruin three teams in three years, which would be some kind of record that deserves a place in our Unmanagable Team.

Kobe Bryant is Indestructable
Despite injuring his Achilles, and being projected to be unavailable for the start of the Laker’s 13-14 campaign, Kobe has been recovering at an insane rate, and some sources say he may even be ready to play starter’s minutes when the season kicks off. It’s August, and he’s running and training, despite the fact Achilles injuries can take months to heal. Moreover, he’s not a fresh young man recovering from an injury, he’s thirty-four. Most thirty-four year olds can’t run for forty minutes, much less play 40 minutes, rupture an Achilles, then be back running two months later. It’s time we accepted the possibility that Kobe actually is part reptile or something.

 

J.R. Smith Does J.R. Smith Things
Most people take the offseason to rehab injuries (Kobe), work on their game (Steph Curry), do promo tours (most of Jordan team), or relax and unwind. J.R. Smith has sort of struck out on his own path, unsurprisingly. J.R. dyed his hair bright blonde, in a Rodman-esque fashion, before Knicks coach Mike Woodson insisted that he get rid of it. J.R. instead dyed it red. Then he bought a tank. Actually, we’re exaggerating. It’s just a $450,000 Gurkha F5 SUV, used by the police and army. Between J.R. Smith and Metta World Peace, the Knicks may not be winning chips on court, but are rapidly becoming the most exciting / hilarious team off it.

Everyone is Tanking for Wiggins
Is there any doubt that teams like Phoenix, Boston and Philadelphia are effectively trying to blow up their own teams? Boston’s top earner at this point is Kris Humphries, which kind of defies belief. Not Rajon Rondo, Kris Humphries. Philadelphia decided to wave goodbye to Jrue Holiday in exchange for a first round pick and a high top fade with a suspect knee. Phoenix was seriously planning on beginning the season with Michael Beasley at power forward. This should be incredible, in a way, and completely unwatchable in another, more real way.

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